Where was God? - Kristie Botti

I would consider myself an outgoing person. Talking in front of people is typically not an issue for me. Talking about my feelings however is a different story. Some people can describe fully how they are feeling or what they are feeling at any particular moment in time, while I struggle to find the appropriate wording to describe my feelings. Discussion and reflection tonight was a complete example of this issue of mine. As we sat in a circle, sharing our views and feelings of the day, comparing and contrasting these feelings to yesterday’s emotions, my mind was running wild. Yesterday’s reflection was easy for me to talk about how I felt during the day, today though was a lot harder. Everyone had such incredibly beautiful explanations of how today's visit to Birkenau was eye opening. Yesterday was hard for them to learn the facts and see it first hand how the Jewish prisoners of Auschwitz were targeted. They could not grasp the idea of these poor people finding hope in surviving, or that God was there through this horrible tragedy. The questions that stood with them today were "Where was God this whole time?" or "How could they have had hope during such suffering?" Today's trip to Birkenau helped them answer these questions. As we prayed the famous Kaddish in the very far corner of the concentration camps and prayed such prayer that prisoners would be killed for praying, the sun began to shine and the birds began to chirp. This was their answer. God was there. The shining of the sun and beautiful chirping of the birds amazed me as well. As we walked through the acres of the camps during the day we were showered with freezing cold rain and hail, while we walked in thick mud, ruining our warm boots. You think I would understand that God was there during these events too right? 

We were asked to reflect on how we felt today in Birkenau in comparison to yesterday in Auschwitz and I do have an answer to that statement. I did feel different today. Yesterday in Auschwitz I was in a state of shock as I dragged my feet through the streets of Auschwitz. The photographs and primary resources that filled the barracks mesmerized me. I did try, however, to feel the way the Jewish people felt while living through the suffering conditions that they lived in for months, but I couldn't. I couldn't feel the way they felt because I was wearing shoes, layers of clothes, a heavy jacket, a warm cozy hat, and I was fed. I tried to look around and see what they saw, but I couldn't. I couldn't even try to convince myself that I could feel all these emotions that I thought I was going to feel on this trip. I felt something so much more than that. I thought back to my family. What would I have done if my mother, father, brother, grandmother, all got separated from me in a line of horrible SS men while my belongings were being taken away from me? What would I have felt if I was instantly stripped of my identity? I may have not been able to feel what the prisoners felt physically, but the feelings emotionally took over my body as I walked through Auschwitz yesterday. My heart was heavy in Auschwitz.

In Birkenau, I was numb. I found myself a lot today walking and sitting alone. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, I was free of all feelings actually. I guess you can say it was beginning to hit me, like the others explained how it hit them today as well, I was just hit with different emotions. While they felt hopeful and found God in this mess, I still question his existence during the Holocaust. I cannot grasp the idea that God was with these people because if he was, then why did it last for so long and why did so many people lose a terrible loss for no reason? I cannot grasp the idea that it was easy to have hope during the Holocaust because well, if people were being punished for their faith, killed on site, suffering of starvation, or separated from their families for no reason, how could you have hope that things will get better? The answers still escape my mind.

I’ve been told that I care too much and I have a big heart and I believe that is why I am having trouble finding answers to these questions. What I do know is that we have not reached the end of this incredible journey yet and I have plenty of time to find these answers. I do have hope in humanity and I do believe God has his ways of opening the eyes of his people in mysterious ways. I’m just waiting till its my turn. I believe the photo below is God's way of beginning to show me that he IS there, I am just not fully convinced that he WAS there in the 1940s. Until then, I will continue to feel, learn, and witness with the incredible people I have had the privilege to know so well.